为某人保留空间意味着什么
- 内容概要
- “在那儿”对他人的转化作用
- 对其他人“保留空间”意味着什么？
- 我学到的为他人保留空间的知识
“在那儿”对他人的转化作用
当我妈妈快要死的时候，我和我的兄弟姐妹在她的最后日子里聚集在一起。我们没有人知道如何支持一个人从她的生活过渡到下一个生活，但是我们很确定我们想将她留在家里，所以我们做到了。
在我们支持妈妈的同时，我们得到了一位有天赋的姑息治疗护士Ann的支持，Ann每隔几天就会来照顾妈妈，并与我们讨论未来几天的期望。她教我们如何在不安状态下给妈妈注射吗啡，她愿意做一些艰巨的任务（例如给妈妈洗个澡），而且只给了我们我们所需的尽可能多的信息，以了解妈妈精神振奋之后的身体状况。已经过去了。
“花点时间，”她说。 “在准备好之前，您无需致电the仪馆。聚集将要说出最后告别的人们。只要需要，就和妈妈一起坐。准备好后，打电话给他们，他们会来接她。”
在最后的日子里，安给了我们令人难以置信的礼物。尽管这是一个令人痛苦的一周，但我们知道我们被一个只打了一个电话的人牵着。
从那时起的两年中，我经常想到安和她在我们生活中扮演的重要角色。她远远超出了“姑息护理护士”的称号。她曾经是 主持人，教练和指导。 通过提供温和，非判断性的支持和指导，她帮助我们度过了人生中最艰难的旅程之一。
安所做的工作可以用一个术语来定义，这个术语在我工作的某些圈子中很普遍。她曾经是 容纳空间 为我们。
作者和她的母亲。
对其他人“保留空间”意味着什么？这意味着我们愿意与另一个人一起走在他们所经历的任何旅程中，而不必判断他们，使他们感到不足，试图解决他们或试图影响结果。当我们为他人留出空间时，我们会敞开心hearts，提供无条件的支持，并放下判断力和控制力。
有时我们发现自己 容纳空间 为人们提供空间，同时为他人保留空间。例如，在我们的情况下，安在为我们留着空间，而在为妈妈留着空间。尽管我对她的支持系统一无所知，但我怀疑在安妮进行这项具有挑战性和意义的工作时，还有其他人会为她提供空间。除非我们有其他人会为我们保留空间，否则要成为一个强大的空间容纳者几乎是不可能的。即使是最强大的领导者，教练，护士等，也需要知道有些人可能与弱者和弱者在一起，而不必担心被审判。
在扮演老师，主持人，教练，母亲，妻子和朋友等角色时，我竭尽全力为他人留出空间，就像Ann为我和我的兄弟姐妹建模那样。这并不总是那么容易，因为我有一种很人性化的倾向，想要去固定人，给他们建议，或者判断他们在前进道路上没有比他们更远，但是我一直在努力，因为我知道这很重要。同时，我相信有些人会为我留出空间。
为了真正支持人们的成长，转型，悲伤等，我们无法通过剥夺他们的权力（即试图解决他们的问题），羞辱他们（即暗示他们应该比他们了解更多）来做到这一点这样做或使他们不知所措（即为他们提供比他们准备好的更多的信息）。我们必须准备好走到一边，以便他们可以做出自己的选择，向他们提供无条件的爱和支持，在需要时给予温柔的指导，即使他们犯了错误也可以使他们感到安全。
学习为他人留出空间。图片：AarónBlanco Tejedor.
容纳空间不是协调员，教练或姑息治疗护士所独有的。这是我们所有人都能为彼此做的事情-对于我们的搭档，孩子，朋友，邻居，甚至是陌生人，他们在我们乘坐公共汽车上班时加紧交谈。
我学到的为他人保留空间的知识这是我从安和其他为我留出空间的人那里学到的教训。
允许人们信任自己的直觉和智慧。 当我们在妈妈的最后几天为妈妈提供支持时，我们没有经验可依赖，但是凭直觉，我们知道需要什么。我们知道如何将她萎缩的身体搬到洗手间，我们知道如何坐下来向她唱歌，还知道如何爱她。我们甚至知道何时该注射可以减轻她痛苦的药物。安以一种非常温柔的方式让我们知道，我们不需要按照某些任意的医疗保健方案来做事，我们只需要相信我们多年以来一直爱妈妈的直觉和积累的智慧即可。
只给人们尽可能多的信息。 安给了我们一些简单的指示，并给了我们一些讲义，但并没有使我们不堪重负，这在我们度过难关时所能应付的。太多的信息会使我们感到无能和不值得。
不要剥夺他们的权力，而是赋予他们权力。 当我们从人们手中夺取决策权时，我们会让他们感到无用和无能。有时候，我们需要介入并为其他人做出艰难的决定（例如，当他们正在处理成瘾并且感觉干预是唯一可以挽救他们的事情时），但是在几乎所有其他情况下，人们需要自治权来做出自己的选择（甚至是我们的孩子）。安知道我们在代表妈妈做决定时需要感到有力量，因此她提供了支持，但从未尝试过指导或控制我们。
尝试保持自己的自我。 这是一个很大的。当我们开始相信别人的成功取决于我们的干预时，或者当我们认为他们的失败对我们的反映不佳时，或者当我们确信他们选择了什么情感时，我们所有人都会陷入这种陷阱。对我们的卸载是关于我们而不是他们的。这是我在教书时偶然发现自己陷入的陷阱。我会更加关注自己的成功（学生是否喜欢我？他们的成绩是否反映了我的教学能力？等等），而不是关注学生的成功。但这对任何人都没有好处-甚至我也没有。为了真正支持他们的成长，我需要保持自我意识，并为他们提供成长和学习机会的空间。
让他们感到足够安全以至于无法失败。 当人们学习，成长或经历悲伤或过渡时，他们一定会在此过程中犯一些错误。当我们作为他们的太空持有者保留判断力和耻辱时，我们为他们提供了一个机会进入内部，找到勇于冒险的勇气，以及即使他们失败也有继续前进的韧性。当我们让他们知道失败只是旅程的一部分而不是世界的尽头时，他们将花费更少的时间为之奋斗，并更多地从错误中吸取教训。
给予指导和帮助，保持谦虚和体贴。 明智的太空持有人知道什么时候保留指导（即何时使人感到愚蠢和不足），什么时候轻柔地提供指导（即人何时要求或因迷路而又不知道要求什么）。尽管Ann并没有夺走我们的权力或自主权，但她确实愿意来给妈妈洗个澡，并做一些更具挑战性的护理工作。这让我们感到宽慰，因为我们没有做任何事情，也不想让妈妈处于可能使她感到羞耻的位置（即让孩子看到她的裸体）。当我们为他人留出空间时，这是我们所有人都必须做的认真舞蹈。认识到他们最脆弱和最无能为力的领域，并在不羞辱他们的情况下提供正确的帮助，这需要实践和谦虚。
明智的太空持有人知道什么时候该隐瞒向导，何时该轻轻地提供。图片： 贾斯汀·弗洛斯（Justin Follis）.
创建一个容器，以容纳复杂的情绪，恐惧，创伤等。 当人们感觉到自己被困住的程度比以往任何时候都深时，他们会感到足够安全，以至于可以浮出通常可能隐藏的复杂情绪。有人在容纳空间中练习过的人知道这种情况会发生，并且会准备以一种温和，支持和非判断性的方式来容纳它。在 循环方式，我们谈论的是为人们“抓住边缘”。
圆圈变成了一个让人们感到安全到足以崩溃的空间，而不必担心这会使他们永久性地摔坏或被房间中的其他人所羞辱。总会有人提供力量和勇气。这不是一件容易的事，随着我主持越来越多具有挑战性的对话，这是我继续学习的工作。如果我们对自己过于情绪化，如果我们没有认真努力地寻找自己的影子，或者如果我们不信任我们所拥有的人，那么我们就无法做到。在安的情况下，她通过温柔，同情和自信来表现自己。如果她的出现不能使我们确信她可以应付困难的情况或害怕死亡，那么我们将无法像我们一样信任她。
让他们做出与您不同的决定并拥有不同的经历。 拥有空间就是尊重每个人的差异，并认识到这些差异可能导致他们做出我们不会做出的选择。例如，有时候，他们根据我们自己的经验无法理解的文化规范做出选择。当我们拥有空间时，我们释放控制权，并且尊重差异。例如，这表现为Ann支持我们，在母亲不再有精神生活之后就如何处理母亲的身体做出决定。如果有某种仪式，我们觉得我们需要在释放她的尸体之前进行一下活动，那么我们可以在妈妈的家中私下做这件事。
容纳空间不是我们可以在一夜之间掌握的，也不能在我刚刚提供的技巧列表中充分解决。这是一个复杂的实践，会随着我们的实践而发展，并且对于每个人和每种情况都是唯一的。
原始内容已发布 这里.
- Summary of Contents
- The Transformative Effect of ‘Being There’ for Others
- What Does it Mean to ‘Hold Space’ for Someone Else?
- What I Learned about Holding Space for Others
The Transformative Effect of ‘Being There’ for Others
When my Mom was dying, my siblings and I gathered to be with her in her final days. None of us knew anything about supporting someone in her transition out of this life into the next, but we were pretty sure we wanted to keep her at home, so we did.
While we supported Mom, we were, in turn, supported by a gifted palliative care nurse, Ann, who came every few days to care for Mom and to talk to us about what we could expect in the coming days. She taught us how to inject Mom with morphine when she became restless, she offered to do the difficult tasks (like giving Mom a bath), and she gave us only as much information as we needed about what to do with Mom’s body after her spirit had passed.
“Take your time,” she said. “You don’t need to call the funeral home until you’re ready. Gather the people who will want to say their final farewells. Sit with your mom as long as you need to. When you’re ready, call and they will come to pick her up.”
Ann gave us an incredible gift in those final days. Though it was an excruciating week, we knew that we were being held by someone who was only a phone call away.
In the two years since then, I’ve often thought about Ann and the important role she played in our lives. She was much more than what can fit in the title of ‘palliative care nurse.’ She was facilitator, coach, and guide. By offering gentle, nonjudgmental support and guidance, she helped us walk one of the most difficult journeys of our lives.
The work that Ann did can be defined by a term that’s become common in some of the circles in which I work. She was holding space for us.
The author with her mother.
What Does it Mean to ‘Hold Space’ for Someone Else?It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.
Sometimes we find ourselves holding space for people while they hold space for others. In our situation, for example, Ann was holding space for us while we held space for Mom. Though I know nothing about her support system, I suspect that there are others holding space for Ann as she does this challenging and meaningful work. It’s virtually impossible to be a strong space holder unless we have others who will hold space for us. Even the strongest leaders, coaches, nurses, etc., need to know that there are some people with whom they can be vulnerable and weak without fear of being judged.
In my own roles as teacher, facilitator, coach, mother, wife, and friend, etc., I do my best to hold space for other people in the same way that Ann modeled it for me and my siblings. It’s not always easy because I have a very human tendency to want to fix people, give them advice, or judge them for not being further along the path than they are, but I keep trying because I know that it’s important. At the same time, there are people in my life that I trust to hold space for me.
To truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., we can’t do it by taking their power away (ie. trying to fix their problems), shaming them (ie. implying that they should know more than they do), or overwhelming them (ie. giving them more information than they’re ready for). We have to be prepared to step to the side so that they can make their own choices, offer them unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance when it’s needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes.
Learning to hold space for others. Image:Aarón Blanco Tejedor.
Holding space is not something that’s exclusive to facilitators, coaches, or palliative care nurses. It is something that ALL of us can do for each other–for our partners, children, friends, neighbours, and even strangers who strike up conversations as we’re riding the bus to work.
What I Learned about Holding Space for OthersHere are the lessons I’ve learned from Ann and others who have held space for me.
Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom. When we were supporting Mom in her final days, we had no experience to rely on and yet, intuitively, we knew what was needed. We knew how to carry her shrinking body to the washroom, we knew how to sit and sing hymns to her, and we knew how to love her. We even knew when it was time to inject the medication that would help ease her pain. In a very gentle way, Ann let us know that we didn’t need to do things according to some arbitrary health care protocol–we simply needed to trust our intuition and accumulated wisdom from the many years we’d loved Mom.
Give people only as much information as they can handle. Ann gave us some simple instructions and left us with a few handouts, but did not overwhelm us with far more than we could process in our tender time of grief. Too much information would have left us feeling incompetent and unworthy.
Don’t take their power away–empower them instead. When we take decision-making power out of people’s hands, we leave them feeling useless and incompetent. There may be some times when we need to step in and make hard decisions for other people (ie. when they’re dealing with an addiction and an intervention feels like the only thing that will save them), but in almost every other case, people need the autonomy to make their own choices (even our children). Ann knew that we needed to feel empowered in making decisions on our Mom’s behalf, and so she offered support but never tried to direct or control us.
Try to keep your own ego out of it. This is a big one. We all get caught in that trap now and then–when we begin to believe that someone else’s success is dependent on our intervention, or when we think that their failure reflects poorly on us, or when we’re convinced that whatever emotions they choose to unload on us are about us instead of them. It’s a trap I’ve occasionally found myself slipping into when I teach. I can become more concerned about my own success (Do the students like me? Do their marks reflect on my ability to teach? Etc.) than about the success of my students. But that doesn’t serve anyone–not even me. To truly support their growth, I need to keep my ego out of it and create the space where they have the opportunity to grow and learn.
Make them feel safe enough to fail. When people are learning, growing, or going through grief or transition, they are bound to make some mistakes along the way. When we, as their space holders, withhold judgement and shame, we offer them the opportunity to reach inside themselves to find the courage to take risks and the resilience to keep going even when they fail. When we let them know that failure is simply a part of the journey and not the end of the world, they’ll spend less time beating themselves up for it and more time learning from their mistakes.
Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness. A wise space holder knows when to withhold guidance (ie. when it makes a person feel foolish and inadequate) and when to offer it gently (ie. when a person asks for it or is too lost to know what to ask for). Though Ann did not take our power or autonomy away, she did offer to come and give Mom baths and do some of the more challenging parts of caregiving. This was a relief to us, as we had no practice at it and didn’t want to place Mom in a position that might make her feel shame (ie. having her children see her naked). This is a careful dance that we all must do when we hold space for other people. Recognizing the areas in which they feel most vulnerable and incapable and offering the right kind of help without shaming them takes practice and humility.
A wise space holder knows when to withhold guidance and when to offer it gently. Image: Justin Follis.
Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc. When people feel that they are held in a deeper way than they are used to, they feel safe enough to allow complex emotions to surface that might normally remain hidden. Someone who is practiced at holding space knows that this can happen and will be prepared to hold it in a gentle, supportive, and nonjudgmental way. In The Circle Way, we talk about “holding the rim” for people.
The circle becomes the space where people feel safe enough to fall apart without fearing that this will leave them permanently broken or that they will be shamed by others in the room. Someone is always there to offer strength and courage. This is not easy work, and it is work that I continue to learn about as I host increasingly more challenging conversations. We cannot do it if we are overly emotional ourselves, if we haven’t done the hard work of looking into our own shadow, or if we don’t trust the people we are holding space for. In Ann’s case, she did this by showing up with tenderness, compassion, and confidence. If she had shown up in a way that didn’t offer us assurance that she could handle difficult situations or that she was afraid of death, we wouldn’t have been able to trust her as we did.
Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would. Holding space is about respecting each person’s differences and recognising that those differences may lead to them making choices that we would not make. Sometimes, for example, they make choices based on cultural norms that we can’t understand from within our own experience. When we hold space, we release control and we honour differences. This showed up, for example, in the way that Ann supported us in making decisions about what to do with Mom’s body after her spirit was no longer housed there. If there had been some ritual that we felt we needed to conduct before releasing her body, we were free to do that in the privacy of Mom’s home.
Holding space is not something that we can master overnight, or that can be adequately addressed in a list of tips like the ones I’ve just offered. It’s a complex practice that evolves as we practice it, and it is unique to each person and each situation.
